Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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