Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
