dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
