i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
