What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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