Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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