Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
