And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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