you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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