A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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