cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
