May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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