I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
