Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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