On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
