where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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