So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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