He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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