They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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