I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
