TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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