If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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