Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
