so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
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Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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