Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
