saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
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Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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