I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
