Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
