the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
