I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
