Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think I won the penis lottery.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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