The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
