The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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