It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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