I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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