i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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