My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
