K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
