We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I can't trust your balls anymore.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
