Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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