i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
