I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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