I got chris browned last night
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
