My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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