so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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