Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I love having hate sex.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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