you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
