Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
