Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
