Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
