I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You're like the curious george of whores
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
