woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
