My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I will pee on everything he values.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
