He is an equal opportunity slut.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
high people should be assigned attendants
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
